I love(d) you

Dating. Life.

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This is for the man who comes in to my life, turns my world upside down, and gives me the best days I could ever ask for. But this is also for the man who I met not so long ago, made me feel how it is to love and be loved, and left because it was probably not the right time for us yet.

You might be reading this, or not. But when you asked me if we could be friends again, I agreed not because I felt that it was the right thing to do, but because I didn’t want to lose a somehow big part of what made me happy. Don’t worry. I’ve already moved past the pain when you left me for another girl. But now that we’re “friends”, I can’t help but rewind back to the days when you were still asking me out. Funny how you could still be the same man I fell in love with, only that you’re in love with someone else now. But if you do decide to come back, know that I would do it all over again for you and you’re probably thinking why the hell is she going to give someone who left her, another chance. Let me tell you why.

I met you at the most unexpected time and day of my life. You were the man I have been praying for, I just didn’t know that then. Even with the distance, your efforts are priceless. Thank you for sending me Good Morning messages before you go to sleep, so that I would see them first thing in the morning when I wake up. I love how you always ask me how I am and know that something’s wrong even if I don’t tell you. That’s how I know, you know me all too well.

I love it how you make me stay up as late as 5 AM, just because it’s still nighttime from where you are, and you feel clingy, and you don’t want us to go to sleep yet. Even if my eyes are already tearing up from sleepiness, I don’t care how tired I am. Knowing that we might fall asleep together even if we’re miles apart, makes me smile. I admire your clinginess, your sweetness and well, your protectiveness. Don’t get me wrong, you never went overboard, you just don’t like it every time I mention going on a martial arts training because I might get hurt. That’s how I know you really care for me.

Every time you ask me to go on Skype with you, if only hugging was possible, we could have done it all the time. You know it always makes me feel sad in a way, because you’re too far away. Knowing you, you hate seeing me sad. So you get your guitar and play songs for me instead. You sing love songs to me and I smile because you’re really good at it. Also, because you just won’t stop making faces every time you get the strings wrong. Then you figure that I’m trying so hard to not laugh. But you love seeing me laugh, so no matter how silly you may look, you don’t care. You start to make fun of yourself even more, until you’ve won. I laugh. That’s how I know you would do anything just to keep me happy.

You stop and stare at me, sometimes for a very long time, and forgetting that there’s a screen separating us both, you lean in and gave me a kiss. Why did I meet you now, I wonder. Anxiety hits me again and I push you away; out of my life. You cry. I barely see you cry. But every time this happens to me, you don’t care about looking weak (even if I don’t really think crying makes a person weak). You always say you don’t want to leave me. I cry even more because I know you would. Then you tell me how much you love me, how painful and stupid it will be if you leave. You assure me that we could get through this, through this distance. That’s how I know you’re feelings towards me are true and genuine.

You’re ridiculously honest. It may not be what I wanted to hear, but you know it is what I need, so you tell me anyway. I love it when you send me random messages, like a picture of a sunset because you know I love sunsets. All your little surprises are what completes my day, or when you simply say “thank you”. When I ask you ‘What for?” you always say, “For making me happy.” I don’t know how, but it’s you making me happy. That’s when I know I’ve fallen in love for you too.

So much for your love of minions, you already speak their language. Your eyes start to look like them and your laugh, it becomes so contagious. But your smile, it’s what I love best. Because when you do, I melt. It is the most sincere and gentle smile I have ever seen. Remember every time you can’t translate a word in English? You get so frustrated. You start to curse in your own language. But when you see me smile, or hear me laugh, I don’t know what it really does to you, but suddenly you sigh and calmly reach for your thesaurus instead. There was one time we ate lunch together, during Skype. I asked if you cooked. You said yes, I asked how. You said, “I got a plate, put it in the microwave and voila! I’m a chef!” It was not as funny as others find it, but I think it was the best. You tell me stories about your travels all the time, you share to me fun facts about your family tree, you bring out the little kid inside me, and you made me want to give you all the love I can give. That’s when I know I can’t lose you.

We can never change the things we don’t have control over. I can’t change how I feel, how I used to feel, towards you.

But maybe, if fate decides to give us another chance at this, I’d take the risk again with you. I hope you will too.

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